A Cry for Help: The Rest of the Story

“Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.” Psalm 91:14

I told you in my previous blog a little bit about the discovery of my daughter’s cutting, and the importance of recognizing behavior changes in your own children and taking action as soon as you can.  In this blog, I would like to tell you a little bit more about the events that have unfolded for me over the past few months and years in hopes that you can gain the courage you need to take the necessary action sooner than I did.

The discovery of the cutting and suicide attempts wasn’t made while it was happening.  This part of the story has been unfolding for me over the past few months.  What did happen, though, that I chose to ignore, were the obvious signs that something was wrong.  When I search deep within myself, I have known things weren’t right for years; however, every time I would question her about her dress, make-up, and accessories, I would get an answer that sounded plausible, and she would always throw in the fact that she was a good kid who made good grades.  I always received glowing reports from her teachers about what a delightful student she was to have in class always willing to participate and always turning in excellent work.  I received the same glowing reports from her Bible school teachers.  I always convinced myself that I was just over-reacting.  After all, she made good grades. Aren't kids who make good grades, good kids who never do anything really bad? The kid even graduated salutatorian of her class!  It must just be an overreaction on my part!

What I have come to realize was the incredible amount of pressure that my daughter felt from both me and her dad to be successful.  She wanted to make us proud and felt the only way she could do that was by making good grades and being a good student.  We had put so much emphasis on those types of things that we lost sight of the most important thing.  She didn’t have our heart.  As a result of not having our heart, she turned to cutting in order to feel real.  Did you hear that?  She didn't even feel real!  The only time she got a, "Thata girl," was when she made good grades!  That was the extent of her feeling loved and accepted!  The suicide attempts were made because she felt completely worthless, and the outrageous clothing was a loud scream to us for help.

I will tell you that I was horrified by the way she dressed.  I worried so much about what other people would think and the judgments they would place on me.  I was embarrassed to go anywhere with her.  The school she attended required uniforms, so if I had to go anywhere with her after school, I made sure we went to those places before she could come home and change her clothes.  At one point, we made her get rid of some of the things she was wearing, but that didn’t fix the real problem.  When we did that, the make-up got darker and heavier, and then she chopped off her hair and dyed it black.  I had sought enough help at this point to not be so judgmental about it, but I still didn’t like it, and I still refused to see that she was crying for help. 

Do you see the pattern here?  It was all about me!  I didn’t want to know the truth because I wouldn’t have been able to handle the truth, or rather, I didn’t want to handle the truth.  So, I just let her keep on telling me what I wanted to hear, and I just kept on ignoring the little voice inside of me that told me something was terribly wrong.

God is always faithful, though, and he decided to allow me to walk through the fire for awhile.  Some other things happened in my life that helped to strip away my judgmental attitude and allow me to see the things in life that really matter.   I can tell you that the judgment of others is not what is important.  In fact, I guarantee you that if I thought those judgments were even a tiny bit important I wouldn’t be publishing this blog.  What people think about me does not determine my worth.  What is important is that our kids trust our hearts, and we communicate with them from that heart.  They have to know that regardless of whether they succeed or not, we will be proud of them.  They have to feel safe enough to tell us things we might not like hearing but know without a doubt that we will be there for them regardless and help them through to the other side.  They have to know that we will help guide them but not judge their mistakes.   Most of all, they have to know that we care enough about them to listen to that inner voice that God gave to us that tells us when things aren’t right, and to be brave enough to take the focus off of ourselves and take care of the things that matter.

If I could go back in time and undo my part in it, of course I would.  Who wouldn’t?  But, I will tell you that it is because of this story that she is the incredible young lady that she is today who is full of passion and life and a hunger to help others who are suffering.  She is who God made her to be, and I am so proud of her that my heart bursts every time I think about her.  The very fact that she has given me permission to share this story is an incredible testimony of her character and faith.  She has the most beautiful heart of any human being I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and the neatest part about that is? She’s mine!

I’m not sure what else will unfold in this story.  She tells me a little bit about it every time we talk, and I am so thankful that she now feels like she can do that.  That alone is worth more than anything else in the world.

Please be about your children’s business, but do it with your heart.  They know the difference!

If you suspect that your child is involved in this or any other type of harmful activity, I won't lie to you and tell you that it's going to be an easy problem to solve.  There will be some hard battles to fight, both for you and for them.  You might even lose some friendships over it.  There might even be family members or church members who aren't supportive but free with the judgments.  Even if judgments mattered, your child is way more important than any of that!  I know that all stories don't turn out like mine did, but what will happen if you don't even try?  My daughter would not be here today if I hadn't listened to that voice and stopped focusing on myself.

Blessings,

Penny