The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?Psalm 27:1
If I had any physical fears as a child, I don't remember them. Being the youngest of five children, many unwanted tasks were given to me. For example, I can remember being forced awake in the middle of the night to kill tarantulas. These creatures would crawl up from our basement to the second floor landing. I couldn't afford to be afraid because being brave enough to kill a giant hairy spider gave me the upper hand in many other things.
Snakes didn't bother me. We had a huge pasture beyond our backyard full of bull snakes. I kept my distance, but they didn't stop me from playing in that pasture. In fact, if anything, they added to the excitement of the experience. I loved finding little garden snakes and scaring my sisters half to death with them.
I cheated death every day with heights. I played on top of my swing set more than I played in my swing set. There were huge trees in our yard, and I would climb to the top often times hanging upside down from the top limb. I remember one time our family went skiing when I was about 10. There was nothing I wouldn't try. I skied down a solid ice mountain more than once.
Then, there were the scary trampoline tricks I would do. We called them suicide dives.
I guess I was like a lot of kids who never gave death a second thought. It never really entered my thought process. It never dawned on me that I needed to be scared. You know, there was a lot of freedom in that. I wish I could say the same now. I think after I had children living life became extremely important to me, and I began to develop physical fears.
Okay...here's the vulnerable part of the story.
I've always suffered from mental fears. Even as a young child, I can remember being afraid of people, especially women. I'm not sure why women bothered me. My mother is an extremely gentle soul. She has a look that can send chills down anyone's spine, but she wouldn't hurt a fly, but women in general just really frightened me. I can remember one time in particular when my parents left me with a couple so that they could go somewhere. The wife asked me what kind of sandwich I wanted. I wouldn't tell her, but I would tell her husband. She refused to feed me until I told her. Being a stubborn soul, I didn't eat that night. I guess it wasn't enough for her that I had gone hungry, so when my parents came to pick me up, she ratted on me. I was punished twice that night.
Then, there was first grade. I had the meanest teacher on the face of the earth. Even my mother didn't like her, and if you know my mother, you know she's kind of like Will Rogers who never met a man he didn't like. Because I allowed her to intimidate me, I didn't speak my entire first grade year. The school thought something was wrong with me, so the next year I was placed in a 'special' class.
With a lot of help and hard work, I have been able to overcome a lot of those mental fears. I still have to work on a daily basis to fight the natural tendency to close off. I realize a lot about life now that I was unable to realize as a small child. I still allow people to intimidate me at times, but at least I now recognize that it's me who gives that power over to others, and I have a choice to make. I can choose to let the Lord be the stronghold of my life. I can choose to realize my worth and know that I have a lot to offer this world.
The older I get the more the physical fears seem to overtake the mental ones, and to tell you the truth I would rather be afraid of a snake than a person. Snakes can kill but being frightened of people takes away my freedom. That's worse than death.
The LORD is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear?
Blessings,
Penny
No comments:
Post a Comment