The Road to a New Life

In an attempt to be completely transparent with those who read my blogs, I have to admit to you that I have been in an extreme funk lately! I usually don’t have any problem finding something to write because I have always had the ability to just take something, however small, and write about it.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately to try and figure out the root of my problem. I have decided that I am going through a period of self-discovery and am somewhat confused about many aspects of my life. I have been exploring many of the belief systems that I was taught from the time I was a small child until now. I have to say that some of the things just aren’t adding up for me right now.

I was raised with an extremely conservative religious background where dotting Is and crossing Ts were considered more important than anything else. In other words, if you saw someone on the side of the road who needed help but stopping would make you miss worship services, then you had better go on to worship; otherwise, you would burn in hell because punching your pew card was far more important than helping someone. Then, there were the constant debates about issues that honestly have absolutely no relevance. Churches were split over fellowship halls, gymnasiums, worship times, song books vs. overhead projectors, the use of pitch pipes, instruments vs. no instruments, clapping, raising hands, men not wearing suits to worship, ladies not wearing dresses, and the list continues. Church became a matter of doing everything by the book or suffer eternal damnation. God never owned my heart in that atmosphere because I didn’t know how to give it to Him. If I gave Him my heart, I might forget to cross one of the Ts or dot one of the Is. In that atmosphere it’s so easy to be judgmental and condescending to those who don’t believe exactly like you do. Grace and mercy are impossible to give because you buy into the idea that grace and mercy are only given to those who think and believe just like you. You pass judgment on everything and everyone around you. The ironic part of thinking like that is that soon you get so wrapped up in judgments that you begin to stop believing in grace and mercy even for yourself. Salvation becomes something that has to be earned rather than received freely.

As easy as it might seem to give up that mindset, it’s extremely difficult. It becomes so engrained inside of you that to leave that behind is scary. There have been many people who have fallen completely away because they wear out. They have no joy or life left in their soul. They give up because they finally come to the realization that they can’t do enough. Some fall away because they mess up and don’t truly believe any redemption is left for them. Some keep on punching that pew card and participating in the irrelevant debates. They attempt to rid the brotherhood of all reprobates. To them, it’s about getting rid of those who disagree rather than save the lost.

Then there are those who truly want change. They see Christ’s church as something that was meant to be simple. That’s where I want to be right now in my walk, but I feel as if I am standing on a teeter-totter. The ground is shaky, and I desperately need to cross to the other side. Not to cross to the other side will be eternally destructive to me. How do I get there, though? That is what my funk is all about. I will push through and find that light. Satan will not win this battle going on inside of me.

"If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead." ~Gelett Burgess

Blessings,
Penny