Change Begins with Me!

"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
Leo Tolstoy

Ouch!  This quote really hit home with me.  I spent the first 45 years of my life thinking I had it all together.  I had a college education, a husband with a professional job, a four bedroom/two bathroom house with two cars in the garage, terrific children, a church family, and a great job.  What more could anyone ask for, right?  My life looked great on the outside.  I was well-equipped to stand in judgment of everyone else.  I could tell everyone around me what they were doing wrong.  I showed absolutely no mercy to anyone who couldn’t get their act together.  I joined others in their condemnation of this sinful world.  After all, I attended church three times a week, went to every function sponsored by the church, took my dish to potluck, headed up the youth program, and did anything else that would make me look good and earn me the right to sit in judgment of others.

God had a lesson to teach me – a huge and painful lesson, but one I needed to learn.

 I woke up one morning and my entire life just fell apart.  Everything I believed in and trusted crumbled right before me.  It was as if one day the light was on and the next day I was sitting in total darkness.  I found myself curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor trying desperately to figure out what went wrong.  I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even think clearly.  I spent the next few months blaming others.  After all I had it together.  There was nothing wrong with me.  I even blamed God.  “How could you allow this to happen to me?  I’ve done everything right.  I’ve dotted every ‘I’ and crossed every ‘T’!  Look at my checklist, Lord.  Everything has been checked off.  Look at all these people around me who don’t do anything for you, and they lead such sinful lives.  They’re laughing and having a great time right now!”

Satan came at me at every angle.  After he convinced me that I wasn’t so great after all, he then completely beat every ounce of self-worth out of me.  He even tried to convince me that God had left me.  I was so focused on my own self-pity that I couldn’t even see the people God sent my way every day to help me.  Satan kept feeding me those lines of worthlessness.  Even when things looked like they were getting better, he would throw me another curve ball.

Thankfully, God didn’t give up on me.  He kept sending people to help me; however, I’m so incredibly stubborn that He had to try for a long time.  He made me realize, through others, that change must begin with me.  I had to get a different attitude.  I had to look at myself differently, and I certainly had to look at others differently.  My motives weren’t being driven by my heart, and I had absolutely no compassion for other people.  I now realize that I’m just a sinful, broken human being who needs mercy.  I’m no better than anyone else, but like everyone else, I am worthy.  James 2:13 states, “…because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful.  Mercy triumphs over judgment.”  We’re all trying to navigate through this world the best we can.  We all need Jesus to steer us in the right direction.  I thank God for the lesson He taught me, and I plan on spending the next 45 years being merciful and compassionate.  I threw away the checklist because He wants my heart, and He wants me to give that heart to everyone around me.  If I err, I pray that it is on the side of mercy, not judgment!  Change begins with me!

Blessings, Penny